


The Pirate Wife's Lament

by glitterandlube



Category: DC Comics
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-06
Updated: 2010-08-06
Packaged: 2017-10-10 23:35:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/105676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glitterandlube/pseuds/glitterandlube
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's actually Tim/Jason/Dick - with UST with Kon and Bart. Kon is dating Cassie and Bart is dating Cissie.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Pirate Wife's Lament

Kon floats out of the swimming pool and flies over to where Tim is sitting on a lounge chair. He asks, "Enjoying the view?" Tim answers, "Hmm," not looking up from his computer. He's talking to Oracle about a new security protocol and it's deeply fascinating.

"You really know how to make a guy feel unwanted." Kon says as he yanks the computer out of Tim's hands. Kon puts it on the table, and drops down on Tim's protesting form.

"Augh!" Tim yells. "You're wet and heavy! Get off me."

"Like you aren't used to sweaty guys laying all over you."

Tim tries to push Kon off him, and he repeats, "Get off me," adding, "And give me my computer back."

"Nope."

"You're crushing my ribs."

"Too bad. Nap Time." Kon says before he settles on top of Tim, and passes out. Tim says, "Shit," and looks longingly at his computer. He tries to move Kon again, but even without the TTK turned on, Kon is huge and massively heavy. Tim has zero leverage underneath him like this. He closes his eyes to think for a minute, and wakes up an hour later with Bart's big gold eyes staring down at him.

Bart says, "If you start having sex with Kon, you have to sleep with me too. It's only fair."

"I'm not having sex with Kon. If I try to add another person to my repertoire, I'm not going to be able to walk." Tim answers. "Kon, wake up and stop humping my leg."

Kon just mumbles into Tim's shoulder, and Bart laughs. Tim says, "Bart, a little help here?"

Bart leans down and pulls at Kon's arms as Tim pushes up, and they manage to get Kon vertical. Kon yawns, and says, "Man, I was having an awesome dream."

"I know, I felt it against my leg." Tim says dryly.

Kon shrugs, and stretches, making his muscles stand out. Tim blinks up at him, and Kon says, "Oh yeah, now you're looking."

Tim sniffs. "I have eyes, I can't help that they work," adding, "I think your hair is thinning in the back."

"What?" Kon says as he puts his hand on his hair. "Ma says it isn't." Bart starts laughing, and he helps Tim get up. Tim tries to move away, but Bart frowns. "I want my cuddle time."

Tim looks at him, and Bart says, "Lots of it." Tim rolls his eyes, but he opens his arms, and Bart flies into them. Tim gets hugged for a long, long time [three minutes!] until Bart pulls away to jump on Kon.

Kon holds Bart off himself with one arm, and says, "Remember when he was young and cute? I miss that."

Bart says, "I'm adorable, motherfucker," and flips off of Kon's arm to land a few feet away. "Ta Da."

"That was pretty good." Tim says in an impressed tone. "You're getting a lot better."

"Thanks." Bart says happily. "I want to have lots of back-up plans if I ever lose my speed again."

Kon and Tim both look at him with freaked out looks on their faces, and Bart says, "Oh hey, don't worry, I'm fine. Just in case." He walks back over to them, and Kon hugs him hard. Bart says, "Oh geez, I outlived you anyways."

Tim makes a noise, and they both look at him. His face has that pinched look that means he's trying not to cry. Bart pulls him over, and Kon wraps his arms around both of them. Bart whispers, "No sadness, Tim. We're both here, and not leaving."

"Promise."

"I promise." Bart says, and Kon echoes him. Tim's grip on them both is almost hard enough to hurt Kon, but Bart refuses to wince.

``````````````

The Titans, and a few of the Teen Titans, are in the kitchen eating, while Bart is explaining that for his second chance at life, he wants to be a treasure hunter, and he will be using Kon's ex-ray vision as a sort of metal detector. He points to Tim, and says, "And you will be my arch-nemesis."

Tim asks, "Why am I your arch-nemesis?"

"Well, if I'm a pirate, and you're a ninja..." Bart says, "It's kind of mandatory."

Tim grins. "Okay, I can see that. As long as you understand ninjas are better."

"Pirates are a million times better. Pirates have wenches!"

"I prefer my slutty ninja brethren." Tim remarks. Dick laughs and Roy asks, "Where do Arrows fall?"

Dick shrugs. Wally says, "I guess this makes me a pirate, so I have to destroy you."

"The friendship was great while it lasted." Dick replies. Roy adds, "But in the end, you reconcile to fight robots."

Kori leans over and asks, "What did Cyborg do?" They all crack up.

"I don't see any wenches, Bart." Kon says. "And I will be demanding wenches if you want to exploit my natural talents and good looks."

"I don't need your good looks for anything." Bart replies, then he calls out, "Hey, Cissie, want to be my pirate wench?" and Cissie saying, "Shhh!"

Bart speeds into the living room, and sees Mia asleep on Cissie, and Bart moves around them. "Is she okay?"

"She's tired, the new medication is wearing her out. The doctor said not to worry, she needs to adjust, but I don't know, it's really kicking her ass."

"I'm sorry." Bart says. He tries not to fidget. He doesn't really know what to say.

Cissie smiles up at Bart. "I know, me too." She asks, "So if I'm your wench, do I get part of the treasure?"

"Of course. What kind of a pirate bastard would I be if I didn't share my treasure with my girl?"

"Probably an accurate pirate."

"I think I'm going to be more of a Dread Pirate Roberts type."

"I don't know if I can pull off Buttercup."

"That's okay, I don't want to be shoved down a hill anyway. Unless it's covered in snow."

Mia opens her eyes, and Bart smiles down at her. "Are you hungry?" Bart asks. "We have ravoli or I can go get your extremely disgusting Hawaiian pizza."

Mia yawns, and answers, "Disgusting pizza."

Bart says, "Okay. Be right back." He disappears as Cissie yells, "And chocolate ice cream!" after him.

Bart comes back with pizza, four kinds of chocolate ice cream, Hershey syrup, and mini chocolate chips. Mia says,"Cissie, you're marrying this fucker."

Cissie says, "He can vibrate too."

Mia cracks up, and drops her pizza on the floor. Bart picks it up and hands it back to her, and says, "Five nano-second rule."

"Thanks." Mia says. "It feels good to laugh."

Bart tells her about his plan to treasure hunt, and she nods. "I like that coin thing you gave me."

Bart grins. "Thanks! I read about a stash in some dusty old book in Baltimore. It mentioned another one in the Keys, so I'm taking Kon out, and seeing if I can find it."

"Good Luck," Mia says, "Bring me back a gaudy necklace."

"Will do." Bart replies, "What do you want Cissie?"

"I want to go with you."

"Sure. We can have a candle light dinner on a pirate ship."

"That would be interesting."

Roy walks out into the living room, and asks, "Are you dating my sister, Bart?"

"I'm sleeping with your sister."

Roy turns around and yells, "Wally! Get in here and tell your cousin he's not allowed to have sex with my sister!"

Wally calls back, "Bart can have sex with anything that stands still long enough as far as I'm concerned."

Roy yells back, "Yeah, you just wait until Iris is old enough..." but he's cut off as Wally grabs him and says, "You _ever_ even so much as look at my daughter and I will..." and Roy says, "Oh shut the hell up, Wally, that's disgusting, she's the same age as Lian."

Wally puts him down and asks Bart, "You're dating Cissie?"

Bart nods. "For three months now."

"You need to tell me these things."

"Why?"

"Because I'm your family."

"Oh. Okay. I'm dating Cissie."

"Max knows right? And Uncle Barry?"

Bart nods. "Max loves Cissie."

Mia interrupts them to say, "Roy, help me up to bed." Roy pulls her up, and drags her over to the stairs. Cissie frowns and walks after them.

Wally leans down and says, "Is she okay?" Bart says, "She has HIV."

"Should she even be here?"

"What do you mean? We're not going to make her leave! Wally!"

"I meant out hero'ing."

"Oh, no, she's not right now." Bart says, "I don't know what happened, she was okay before, and now she's sick."

"Maybe her T-cell count is down." Wally suggests. "I don't know that much about HIV."

Bart shakes her head. "We ran it three times, it's the same."

"You can do that?"

"Sure, Tim has a lab in the basement." Bart answers absently. "I think we need to look at her drugs." He calls out, "Hey, Kon, do you think Lex would be willing to let us borrow some centrifuges and shit?"

Kon calls back, "Just borrow one of his fucking labs, he's got like a fucking million of them."

Bart dumps fifteen pill bottles on the table, along with a handwritten schedule. He says, "I thought they were down to only a few pills."

Tim starts combing through the bottles, and says, "Some of these are herbal. Oh what the hell? No wonder she's sick, she can't mix this crap with these. Throw this out. I can't believe Connor isn't checking this stuff."

"Why didn't you check that first?"

Tim rolls his eyes. "She said her doctor gave it all to her, and she didn't want to argue with her. I wanted to run the tests first so she couldn't fight us about it later." He dumps five of the bottles in the trash and pulls out his phone. He walks into the living room as he orders a new round of drugs for Mia from Wayne Medical.

````````````````

They have a five-way twenty-five minute argument the next day that only ends when Kon calls Lex, who backs up Tim viciously, and then calls Mia a fucking idiot, and hangs up the phone. Tim hands her an envelope and says, "You have version C, this is made for version C. My assistant put a note in there with directions on how to take it. If I catch you taking any more of those supplements, I'm not going to let you stay with Ollie anymore."

"You can't do that." Roy says.

Tim stares at him, and slowly says, "I can do whatever I want. I'm the eleventh most intelligent person on the planet, and I inherited the Wayne fortune. I could set you on fire in public and get away with it."

Roy loudly says, "Hey, Dick, you might want to keep a closer eye on your little brother here."

Dick calls back, "I don't see how I can possibly keep any closer of a watch on him, but thanks for the heads-up, Roy."

"Didn't you all inherit the Wayne fortune?" Cissie asks.

Tim smiles meanly, and says, "Dick has his own money, Jason is still listed as dead, Cass's adoption just went through, and Damien is legally unknown. Guess where all the money went?"

Bart says, "Hey, can I have an actual pirate ship?"

"You can have Bruce's fugly yacht."

"AWESOME."

"He might want it back when I find him, so don't paint it black or anything."

"Okay." Bart says. "I can hang the Jolly Roger right?"

"Knock yourself out."

Kon says, "Uh, you don't get to hang around my dad anymore, for serious."

"What's wrong with him spending time with Superman?" Roy asks. "I think that might be a good thing."

Bart cracks up. "He has two dads. Lex Luthor is the other one."

"WHAT THE FUCK?" Roy yells. "WHAT THE FUCK!"

Bart says, "He just called him on the phone, Roy. Are you slow?"

"I think you're the only person who didn't know that, Bart." Mia says, adding, "I swear the doctor gave them to me, Tim."

"Doctors are morons."

"She seemed nice."

"Oh, that's an excellent reason for picking her, it's not you have a fatal disease or anything!"

"TIM!" Cissie yells. "Shut up!"

Tim silently fumes as Cissie continues, "We'll be more careful in the future, and we will let Bart, _not you_ vet whoever it is."

Tim mutters something in Yiddish, and Bart says, "Okay, that was uncalled for."

Tim glares at him. "Stop memorizing languages!" he orders, and stomps into the kitchen.

Rose says, "Hey, at least he gives a shit."

Mia shrugs, and says, "Yeah, that's true."

"You'd think with all the sex he's having, he'd be a lot calmer."

"Please. Tim will never be less up-tight." Kon answers. "Dick and Jason could spend five days straight fucking him, and he'd still be a retentive freak."

In the kitchen, Dick says, "Be nicer to your friends."

Tim snaps, "Eat me."

Dick opens his mouth, but Wally slaps his hand over his mouth, and says, "I am asking nicely that you just let that one go."

Kori says brightly, "Maybe you just need to stuff his mouth full of cock."

Beast Boy laughs and laughs as Raven says, "All of you are vile."

Tim says, "I will bite it off!" and heads to his room.

They all look at Dick who says, "I think I've actually reached my limit on bravery here."

Wally puts his napkin over his lap.

```````````````

For Halloween, Cissie comes in dressed in full lady pirate gear and crooks her finger. "Come here Mr. Allen."

Kon's jaw drops. "Holy Shit."

Bart appears by her side, pulls his pirate hat straight, and says, "As you wish."

They vanish into Bart's room.

Cassie and Kara start giggling a lot.

Later Bart and Tim have a sword fight in the street of San Francisco. Tim has a wickedly sharp katana, and Bart pulls out a shiny cutlass, and yells, "ARRRR!" and almost stabs Tim because he can't stop laughing.

"Take off the eye-patch at least." Tim says. Bart tosses it to Cissie, who blows him a kiss, and says, "Good Luck!"

A cheering crowd gathers as they circle each other. People call out, "Pirate!" and "Ninja!" and make bets. The fight sadly is forfeit as they have to go stop a bunch of ghosts from wrecking the Bay, and then they have to get Kon to stop quoting lines from Ghostbusters, and buying marshmallows to make a giant golem of terror.

Kon says, "But!" and Tim says, "I'm never telling you about my heritage ever again."

"That's okay, Passover is kind of creepy anyway." Kon answers, as he shambles down the street moaning, "Brainnnns. Fresh juicy brainnnns."

````````````  
Kon uses his TTK to open Tim's door, and he speeds over to where Tim is sitting in front of the computer.

"What are you watching?" Kon asks, and grabs Tim before he can close it. On the screen, Jason, Dick, and Tim are having sex. Kon says, "Holy fuck, no wonder you let him join in, how the hell is he keeping his balance?"

Tim says, "Kon," in a warning tone, but Kon ignores him and tightens his hold so Tim can't move.

"Shit, this is hot as hell. Man, your face." Kon leans closer and Tim shudders. Kon says, "You...you smell aroused." He looks away from the screen to see Tim staring at him, his pupils completely blown, and he looks down at Tim's mouth. Tim says, "You holding me down isn't helping."

Kon says, "I'm shocked you like that," absently, but he's still staring at Tim's mouth, and Tim says, "Kon..." and Kon leans in, and Bart yells from the hallway, "Kon, are you in Tim's room?" and Kon speeds to the other side of the room and says, "Motherfucker. Mother.Fucker. I'm sorry. Shit."

Tim looks at him and says, "Sorry for invading my privacy or sorry for being a cocktease?"

"That second one," Kon answers. "I'm never sorry about that first one where you're concerned."

Bart comes in the door, and says, "Hey, what are you guys doing in here?"

Kon replies, "I was thinking about having sex with Tim, but you threw me off."

Bart blinks. "Uh, okay, don't tell me, but it better not be another secret like your last one." He looks over at Tim and says, "Are you watching porn? You're all flushed."

Tim says, "It's really none of your business."

Bart says, "Oh, were you two really in here..." he trails off and bites his lip.

"He was watching porn of himself with his two playmates." Kon says. "It was pretty filthy."

Bart says, "I wanna see."

"No! Both of you get out of my room."

"I bet you look really hot when you're getting fucked." Bart adds, and Kon nods, smirking.

Bart puts his hand on Kon's arm, and continues, "If you ever get bored of committing incest, you know where to find us." Kon and Bart vanish out of the room before Tim can hurt them.

Tim yells, "IT'S NOT INCEST!" out the door, and Rose says, "Who do you think you're kidding, Robin?" as she walks past his door with Jaime and Eddie.

``````  
Bart runs into the Tower excitedly. He calls out, "Hey! hey! So I was out looking for treasure and guess what I found?"

"Uh, Treasure?" Kon tries.

"Not quite!" Bart says, "Better!" He moves aside, and Ted Kord walks through the door. Tim says, "Ted?"

Ted nods, and says, "Hi, Tim. Long time no see," and then he falls against the doorway because Tim grabs him. Ted laughs, and says, "Aww, it's nice to feel loved."

Tim grins hugely up at him, and Bart comes back with Jaime who says, "OH MY GOD! TED! HI!" and then says, "Let me call Booster!"

Ted says, "Wait. Don't call him yet. Bart said it's almost Christmas and I have a much better idea."

Three days later, the farmhouse in Smallville is covered with Christmas decorations, and every superhero ever is wondering around, eating cookies, and drinking punch. Kon is sitting in the living room in a big chair, wearing a Santa outfit, and Bart and Tim are flanking him in elf costumes. Cassie is circulating in a Mrs. Claus outfit. There is a sign that says, 'sit on Santa's lap for a present.'

Black Canary comes over and sits down on Kon's lap, and says, "I'd like some new underwear for Christmas."

Kon says, "You are the hottest woman alive," in a reverent tone. Bart stifles a giggle.

"You're so sweet." Dinah says. "Aww."

Kon says, "Also, I heard wearing underwear is out for women this year."

"I guess I'll have to stop wearing any then."

"Please God do that."

Dinah starts laughing, and kisses him on the cheek. "Thanks for the advice, Santa." She walks away and Kon says, "I think I just came in my pants."

Tim raises his eyebrows and says, "Mrs. Claus is going to punch you in the face."

"I don't even care." Kon answers blissfully.

Dick comes over and grins brightly at Tim. He plops down on Kon's lap, and says, "Santa, for Christmas I really want my own Timmy elf."

Kon answers, "What luck, you can have this one right here."

Dick says, "Best Santa ever!" and kisses Kon on the cheek before getting up and kissing Tim hello. Kon says, "This is seriously the best idea I've ever had."

Bart says, "I'm being Santa next year."

"The hell you are."

Zinda walks over, and sits down carefully on Kon's lap, and says in a serious tone, "Hi, Santa, my name is Zinda, and what I want for Christmas is for someone to erase my memory of sleeping with Hal Jordan."

Bart says, "What? Ewww. Gross. I thought Grandpa told all the women we know not to do that."

Santa says, "Oh, I heard about that," with a rather lecherous grin.

Zinda says, "Goddammit."

Tim says, "I'll be right back, okay?" He smiles encouragingly at Zinda, who nods. Kon says, "Huntress was there too right?"

"Yeah. That part was fine."

"I'm sure it was." Kon replies. Tim comes back with Zatanna, who smiles at Zinda, and says, "YROMEM ASARE!" Zinda blinks and asks, "What just happened?"

Tim says, "Santa granted your wish."

"I don't remember what I asked for." She replies.

"If we tell you, we'll have to start all over. Just trust me you're better off." Bart says, then shudders.

"Okay." Zinda says. "Thanks Santa." She leans over and kisses Kon on the cheek. Zatanna says, "It will be a shame when someone mentions it to her."

Kon shrugs and says, "Santa only has so much power." Zatanna laughs, and walks away.

Jason Todd comes over, and he sits down on Kon's lap, making Kon lean back a little. He looks up at Tim, who is laughing quietly. Jason says, "For Christmas I want a tank."

Kon says, "I don't know, Jason, tanks are kind of destructive."

Jason says, "That's the point, Santa."

Bart appears with a remote controlled tank, and hands it to Jason, who cracks up. "Thanks. It's perfect," adding, "I'm not kissing you."

"I'm really grateful for that." Kon says wide-eyed.

Jason gets up and kisses Tim, who says, "Dick is over there with Roy and Wally."

"You want some punch?" Jason asks. "I can bring some over to you."

Tim scrunches up his face, and says, "They already spiked it, it's gross."

"You're such a wuss." Jason shakes his head, and Bart says, "Hey! Booster is here!"

Kon says, "Go get him!" Jason looks at Tim, who smiles and says, "Go stand over there."

Bart drags Booster over, and points at Kon. "Sit on Santa's lap and tell him what you want for Christmas."

Booster says, "I don't believe in Santa."

"Just do it!" Bart insists, and pushes Booster into Kon. Booster sits up, and says, "Okay, I would like a shinier ass."

Guy says, "You already fucking blind people with the damn thing, Booster," while Bart says, "I think that would violate the laws of physics."

Santa says, "Now, Booster, you have to tell me what you really want, or I can't give it to you."

Booster stares at him and says, very quietly, "I want Ted back."

Kon nods, and Bart disappears, and returns five seconds later with Ted. Booster says, "Oh my god. Ted? Really Ted?"

"Hi Booster."

Booster jumps up and grabs him. "Ted. Ted, you left."

"I had too."

"No, you didn't! I would have fixed it. I would have."

"Michael. It's okay." Ted says. He smiles up at Booster, who buries his face in Ted's hair.

Bart says, "Aww." Kon looks at Tim, who smiles down at him and slips his hand into Kon's for a minute.

Booster pulls away, and says, "I get to keep you this time, right?"

"Yep." Ted says, and then says, "Hi Guy, how are things?"

Guy grabs him and picks him up, making Ted laugh. Booster is wiping at his face, and grinning. Kon squeezes Tim's hand, and Bart zips over to slide his arm through Tim's.

Jaime hovers around them as Ted says hi to Fire, and very, very happily to Ice, who smiles brilliantly at him. Dinah comes over and hugs him so hard he squeaks. Booster asks, "When did you get back?"

"Three days ago."

"And you didn't tell me?" Booster exclaims. "Ted!"

"I thought this would be funnier."

"Ted."

"Oh come on, it was awesome, and you know it."

Booster rolls his eyes, and hugs him again. He whispers, "No more leaving me."

Ted whispers back, "I'll try my best you stalker."

Damien climbs up on Kon's lap, sits down, and says, "Santa, I want to be an only child."

Tim laughs so hard he falls over on Bart.

Jason says, "We'll be happy to adopt you out into a shiny new family, you little bastard."

Bart asks, "Hey, how come Dick and Jason are both wearing a Nightwing outfit?"

Tim says, "Oh, that was my Christmas wish."

Santa starts laughing his ass off.


End file.
